Much worse than physical violence is verbal abuse because words have a special enduring effect on the psyche more than bruises and red skin. The other person’s anger and rage fuel the verbal attack, making it more vicious than swinging fists, unless they attack with both. By the age of 4 and the beginning of my life in the public school system, I had regularly heard the verbal assaults below on a weekly basis until age 16.
“There’s something in your nature that makes them want to kill you and beat your face to a pulp!” (Mom’s classic line)
“You son-of-a-bitch bastard fucker…” (Mom)
“You disgraced me…I can’t even walk the streets because of you, you son-of-a-bitch bastard kid!” (Mom sitting down with a cigarette and a coke).
“I hate you, you cocksucker motherfucker…” (Mom, usually running after me with a spatula).
“Why is your stuff always all over the place…?” (Dad, classic until age 19).
“You were a curse on me, you motherless-fucker!” (Mom walking away after my beating).
“Come over here, you son of a bitch bastard. Don’t make me come over there, or I’ll break your fucking face!” (Dad used to force me to come out of hiding and walk within range of his flying hands).
“You fucking coward piece of shit!” (Mom’s classic line).
“You fucking bitch kid!” (Mom).
“I’ll kill you, you bastard fucker!” (Mom).
“Why can’t you learn to keep that fucking mouth shut, you stupid imbecile?” (Dad, Mom).
“I don’t know where you come from…?” (Classic Mom).
“You’re just like your father, only you cannot see it!” (Mom).
“Everybody says the same thing…that you’re such a nice kid, but a son-of-a-bitch when you’re with kids your own age.” (Mom).
“You’re such a nice kid, Marc, people like you!” (Mom).
“You are to goddamn sensitive. You’re not like these people. You’re not a killer.” (Mom).
“I don’t know what happens to you out there to cause your troubles.” (Mom).
Bernice said, “He’s just a bitch kid, Catherine.” (Mom).
“There’s nothing wrong with you, Marc, honestly.” (Mom).
“Nobody can understand it…all those who know you say the same thing…what, Marc is in this kind of trouble? How?” (Mom’s classic line for decades).
“Fuck you, you miserable fucking bastard kid, you disgrace me!” (Mom).
“Because of you, I can’t leave this house and show my face; you disgraced me!” (Mom).
“You’re a bitch, kid, whore, fucker…” (Mom).
“Drop dead, you miserable fucker!” (Mom).
“Promise me you will never put me in a nursing home.” (Mom).
“Leave my fucking stuff the fuck alone, do you understand?” (Dad’s classic line).
“I don’t care how big you get. I will get up on a chair and crack your fucking head with a baseball bat. Never fuck with me!” (Mom).
“Just get it together.” (Everyone).
“You will never be smarter than me. You will never be able to fool me. Marc.” (Mom).
“Just keep that fucking mouth shut and get along.”
“Come over here, you asshole!”
“Don’t give me any back-talk, or I’ll break your fucking face, do you understand!”
“You don’t have appreciation for anybody other than yourself!”
“Did you eat the last fucking Malomar?”
“I wish you were never born, you bastard fucker!”
“I fucking hate you, you bitch kid, you’re a curse on me!!!”
“This fucking kid, God why?” (Mom usually screaming in a rage during a beating)
“You selfish bastard kid!”
“I’ll fucking kill you!”
“I’ll fucking rip out your heart.”
“It’s your fault that the kids want to kill you!”
“We just didn’t know what else to do. We tried everything. Beatings don’t seem to work either.” (Mom)
“We believe you enjoy the pain and being humiliated. You like getting hit.” (Mom’s other continuous classic line).
“Really, we love you, that’s why we do this!” (Mom’s classic double bind).
“Ma, come over here. I am going to kill him. Ma, I don’t know what to do with this fucking kid!” (Mom on the phone to Grandma one day).
“You’re a fucking piece of work, a real piece” (Mom and Dad for decades)
“You know just how to ring my bell, don’t ya?”
“Lay down, will ya!”
“You’re full of shit, you can’t fool me, kid!”
“…did you fucking use my workbench? Well, did ya!!!!!!!!!”
“Come over here NOW!!!!” (for a beating, of course).
“Come down here now, right fucking now!” (Usually a beating ensues).
I can easily recall these statements because they burned them into my brain as part of what I believe was a double-bind programming experiment. The good news about all of this heavy history of mine is that I forgave both of them long ago. I also took care of Mom and Dad in their elder years as if nothing had ever happened between us. I spent 62 days in hospice care with Mom and was standing in-front of her when she drew her last breath. She was never alone, and she experienced a good and loyal son who had the skills to take good care of her. I also took good care of my father after she died for over 12 years. Why? Read the scripture below, for it is commanded of us.
For the Lord sets a father in honor over his children and confirms a mother’s authority over her sons. Those who honor their father atone for sins; they store up riches who respect their mother. Those who honor their father will have joy in their own children, and when they pray they are heard. Those who respect their father will live a long life; those who obey the Lord honor their mother. My son, be steadfast in honoring your father; do not grieve him as long as he lives. Even if his mind fails, be considerate of him; do not revile him because you are in your prime. Kindness to a father will not be forgotten; it will serve as a sin offering—it will take lasting root.
Sirach 3:2-6, 12-14 NASBRE.
Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful. 20 Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord. 21 Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.
Colossians 3:12-15, 20-21.